Ask the Solo Golfer Who Joined Your Group
Each week, a different single — the stranger the starter added to your threesome — answers your letters. This week's columnist is Dale.
Q: My buddies say showing up 45 minutes early to the muni is "psychotic." Is it?
— Too Early
A: Too Early, here's how it works. Nobody gets to the course "early." There's on time, and there's the people who were already here.
I got here at 5:30 to wait for a single spot to open up. Since then I've had a coffee, two hot dogs, and a disagreement with a sprinkler head that I'm comfortable saying I won. I've hit putts on the practice green with the 15-foot break nobody has ever solved. I've stretched, which mostly means looking at my phone while leaning on a club.
Forty-five minutes isn't psychotic. It's respectful. Get here earlier. Get to know Marge. Don't park in Marge's spot.
Q: I'm a single and I got paired with three guys who obviously know each other. They have nicknames. They have inside jokes. One of them is called "Moose" and I don't know why. How do I fit in?
— Fourth Wheel
A: Fourth Wheel, you don't fit in. You get absorbed. It takes about four holes.
Holes 1 through 3, you're furniture. Polite furniture. You say "good shot" when it's a good shot and "that'll play" when it won't. You help look for balls longer than you'd look for your own. You don't ask about Moose.
On hole 4, one of two things happens. You hit one good shot and somebody says "Okay, Single," and now that's your name. Or you hit one truly awful shot, and they all laugh, and now that's your name. Either way, you're in. By the turn, someone will offer you a beer from their personal cooler. Take it. That's a contract.
By 18 you'll know why he's called Moose. You won't be able to tell anyone. That's how it works.
Q: Why do you have a towel on each side of your bag?
— Curious
A: Curious, one is for my clubs. One is for my hands. Mixing them up is how a man loses his grip, in every sense.
People ask me this every round. I tell them every round. It's a good conversation starter and a better conversation ender.
Q: The group ahead of us is so slow. It's a twosome. They're on their phones. One of them is filming his swing from three angles. What do I do?
— Waiting on 6
A: Waiting, you have three options.
- Ask to play through. Politely, from a reasonable distance, hat in hand.
- Wait for the Marshal. The Marshal has a flag and a radio. The radio isn't connected to anything. He'll get there eventually, look at the situation, and say "Busy one today, huh?" That's his whole job.
- Accept it. You're outside. You're not at work. The sun is up and the coffee is still warm. Sit on the bench, read the plaque (hole 6 is usually "In Memory of Big Ron"), and think about how lucky you are to be stuck here instead of anywhere else.
I pick option 3 every time, then option 1, then I go get a hot dog.
Dale is a single who got added to your threesome. He has a towel on each side of his bag. He'll be back. They always come back.